I'm always late. To everything. I try so hard to be on time, but it never happens. I'm always down to last minute deadlines. My friends know that everything we schedule has to be on Lyndsie Time, which is 10-20 minutes behind regular time. I know, I know. It's irresponsible, unprofessional, inconsiderate, and rude. It's in my blood, though. I'm still surprised I made it to my own wedding on time. The last time I was early was the day I was born, y'all. Fortunately, I've figured out a few things to help me be … well, if not on time, then a little less late, at least.
Table of contents:
- 1. Set All Your Clocks Ahead
- 2. Ask Your Loved Ones to Lie to You
- 3. Basically, Live a Lie
- 4. Create a List of Plausible Excuses
- 5. Please Your Phone/alarm Clock across the Room
- 6. Learn How to Multitask
- 7. Sleep in the Bathtub
- 8. Become Ambidextrous
- 9. Stay up the Night before Early Appointments
- 10. Carry Blotting Papers Everywhere
- 11. Go to Bed Fully Dressed
- 12. Make like Sleeping Beauty
- 13. Have Photographic Evidence at the Ready
- 14. Disavow the Notion of Time
- 15. Stop Making Plans
- 16. Create Your Own Timezone
- 17. Take Pleasure in Shocking Your Friends when You do Show up on Time
1 Set All Your Clocks Ahead
How late are you usually? Set your clocks ahead by that much. Simple trick, but it works … well, unless you don't forget about it later. Then you'll probably go back to being late again.
2 Ask Your Loved Ones to Lie to You
Seriously. Ask your partner, bestie, sister, mom, dad, roommate, whatever, to always tell you that you have to be somewhere 15-20 minutes before you actually have to be there.
3 Basically, Live a Lie
As far as time is concerned, yeah. Live a lie. Make time lie to you. It helps.
4 Create a List of Plausible Excuses
To explain your lateness. You can't blame it on a flat tire every time. People will start thinking you're a liar. How dare they!
5 Please Your Phone/alarm Clock across the Room
Then you have to physically get up to turn off the alarm and start ignoring it.
6 Learn How to Multitask
It will save you so much time! Here, let me share some of my favorite multitasking habits.
7 Sleep in the Bathtub
If you're often late because you prefer to sleep in the morning instead of getting ready, nap in the tub or the shower!
8 Become Ambidextrous
So you can apply makeup, do your hair, prepare breakfast, play with the puppy, and take care of the kids all at the same time.
9 Stay up the Night before Early Appointments
To be honest, if I have to be somewhere before ten o'clock in the morning, I'm better off just staying up all night instead. What about you?
10 Carry Blotting Papers Everywhere
This will deal with the sweating problem you develop from rushing around everywhere in a vain effort to be on time.
11 Go to Bed Fully Dressed
That saves you from having to blindly pick out clothes as you rush out the door.
12 Make like Sleeping Beauty
Meaning, go to bed in a full face of makeup, too. Your #IWokeUpLikeThis pics will always be honest.
13 Have Photographic Evidence at the Ready
When it's actually not your fault that you're late, make sure you take pictures because no one will believe you ever.
14 Disavow the Notion of Time
Just start telling people that you don't believe in time because it is a social construct designed to turn the entire world into a bunch of 9-5 automatons and you're just not for it.
15 Stop Making Plans
You could always become a hermit. Hermits don't need clocks.
16 Create Your Own Timezone
This way, everyone else will be wrong, not you.
17 Take Pleasure in Shocking Your Friends when You do Show up on Time
It's the best surprise ever. Everyone thinks you're spectacular – until the next time you see them. Because you'll probably be late again.
Are any of you with me? Please tell I'm not just standing here, alone, late, all by myself.
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