All women stalk, right? All men, too. Let me be clear first: no, I am not in any way advocating stalking. Stalking is bad and dangerous and sick and you should never, ever, ever seriously stalk another person. If someone is stalking you, please, please, please do anything you have to do to keep yourself safe. Now, having said that, I believe that we are all capable of stalkerish things. I am going to prove that theory because I bet all of you have done at least one of the following things. If you haven't, you're probably perfect, and I probably hate you a little, to be honest.
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Creeped on Old High School Friends
Not because you want to befriend them again and not even because you particularly wish them well. You just want to check up on your old frenemies and make sure your life is way better.
Fallen down the Twitterhole
Where you end up reading someone's timeline all the way back to 2012 just to figure out who they are and what they want out of life.
Frequently asked questions
Googling Someone New
A potential boss, a Tinder date, a new colleague, your realtor – anyone you meet gets thoroughly researched.
… and then Accidentally Mentioning Something You're Not Supposed to Know
Like, oops, you're right, I don't even know you have a dog, I don't know why I asked about Sir Bones-a-lot.
Making a Fake Profile
To stalk an ex – that's actually definitely stalkerish, there's no debating this.
Naturally, curiosity might get the better of you post-breakup, but creating a faux account just to keep tabs crosses lines. We tell ourselves it’s just innocent lurking, but deep down, we know it's more than that. Peering into their life through a disguised online persona can feel like a harmless peek, but remember, it's a significant invasion of privacy. And if busted, it's game over—you're the one left looking obsessive. Instead, channel that energy into self-care or a new hobby. It's healthier and won't risk veering into rabbit holes of an ex's social media life.
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Fallen into a Black Hole of Google
This happens when you're Googling so hard, you end up reading someone's long-defunct LiveJournal and learning all about the existential crises of their teenage years.
Blocked Your Number before Calling Someone
Especially if that “someone” happens to be an ex. I do this to Heather when we're in a fight. No shame.
Using Swarm to Creep on Someone
You know, when you “accidentally” show up where a crush or an ex or a group of friends just checked in.
Madly Searching MySpace
Or Xanga. Or LJ. Or Bebo. Basically, you're an architect trying to unearth someone's entire internet history. Usually, it's for a good purpose, though. Kind of.
Liking Insta Pics from Months Ago
This is usually a real accident and occurs during late night stalking. If you're fast, you can fix this.
Sending Long Missives to People You Used to Know
My ex-girlfriend just did this on Instagram. I still don't even know what to say. I kind of just want to send her the Gotye video.
Driving past Someone's House
Your crush, your ex, your current hookup – it happens.
We've all been there, right? Casually cruising down their street, pretending it's a total coincidence that you're in the neighborhood. Whether it's to see if their car is parked out front or to catch a glimpse of them through the window, that drive-by gives a tiny, thrilling rush. It's curiosity mixed with a dash of hope – or, maybe it's just checking if they've moved on. Just don't make it a habit, because circling the block multiple times? That's when cute veers into creepy territory, and we're not about that life.
Or Stalking Google Earth
Guilty. That's weird, right? I know it's weird. I'm sorry.
Staying Close with an Ex's Family/friends
Now, to be fair, this can be entirely legitimate, especially if you really loved your ex's family or friends. However, it can also be just a little stalkerish. Sometimes.
Accidentally Liking Something an Ex's New Boo Posted
Oh, this is bad. This leads to so much panic.
Who even knows how deep into their profile you've ventured when your finger betrays you with a heart-tap on their beach vacay pic... from 2015. Cue the immediate unlike and the hope they don't have notifications turned on. After all, there's no graceful way to recover from that. All you wanted was a little info, not a declaration of 'still interested!' And now you're left with a pit in your stomach, frantically googling if there's any possible way to undo this digital faux pas. Too late, the damage is done.
Taking up a Crush's Hobby
Stalkerish, yes, but also understandable. I mean, you need something to talk about, right?
Sub-tweeting and Vaguebooking
Not stalker behavior, necessarily, but definitely passive aggressive. Oops.
I know, none of you are stalkers for real, but be honest with me – are you a little stalkerish?
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