All women stalk, right? All men, too. Let me be clear first: no, I am not in any way advocating stalking. Stalking is bad and dangerous and sick and you should never, ever, ever seriously stalk another person. If someone is stalking you, please, please, please do anything you have to do to keep yourself safe. Now, having said that, I believe that we are all capable of stalkerish things. I am going to prove that theory because I bet all of you have done at least one of the following things. If you haven't, you're probably perfect, and I probably hate you a little, to be honest.
Not because you want to befriend them again and not even because you particularly wish them well. You just want to check up on your old frenemies and make sure your life is way better.
Where you end up reading someone's timeline all the way back to 2012 just to figure out who they are and what they want out of life.
A potential boss, a Tinder date, a new colleague, your realtor – anyone you meet gets thoroughly researched.
Like, oops, you're right, I don't even know you have a dog, I don't know why I asked about Sir Bones-a-lot.
To stalk an ex – that's actually definitely stalkerish, there's no debating this.
This happens when you're Googling so hard, you end up reading someone's long-defunct LiveJournal and learning all about the existential crises of their teenage years.
Especially if that “someone” happens to be an ex. I do this to Heather when we're in a fight. No shame.
You know, when you “accidentally” show up where a crush or an ex or a group of friends just checked in.
Or Xanga. Or LJ. Or Bebo. Basically, you're an architect trying to unearth someone's entire internet history. Usually, it's for a good purpose, though. Kind of.
This is usually a real accident and occurs during late night stalking. If you're fast, you can fix this.
My ex-girlfriend just did this on Instagram. I still don't even know what to say. I kind of just want to send her the Gotye video.
Your crush, your ex, your current hookup – it happens.
Guilty. That's weird, right? I know it's weird. I'm sorry.
Now, to be fair, this can be entirely legitimate, especially if you really loved your ex's family or friends. However, it can also be just a little stalkerish. Sometimes.
Oh, this is bad. This leads to so much panic.
Stalkerish, yes, but also understandable. I mean, you need something to talk about, right?
Not stalker behavior, necessarily, but definitely passive aggressive. Oops.
I know, none of you are stalkers for real, but be honest with me – are you a little stalkerish?
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