8 Sure Signs of an Idiot Friend ...

SpongeBob and Patrick. Chester and Jesse (from “Dude, Where’s My Car?”). The entire cast of "The Hangover" and "Jersey Shore." The list of idiot friends goes on, and each pair tells you a little something more about the girl (or guy) in your circle of friends who fills that role. They’re often frustrating, seldom reliable, but somehow endearing. How can you tell who in your circle is the Patrick to your Squidward? Here are 8 sure signs of an idiot friend.

1. Sleeps Til Noon

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I’m probably only listing this because I’m insanely jealous — I don’t get to sleep til noon, so no-one else should get to, either! But sleeping late (and being slovenly in sleep habits in general) is indeed one of the trademarks of an idiot friend.

2. Wholly Unreliable

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You’ve asked your friend to pick you up from school at 3, and she finally shows up at 3:50, after you’ve been waiting in the pouring rain, harassed by teenage boys in their dad’s minivan, and nearly eaten by a bear. Her excuse is paper thin, but she did show up, didn’t she? Another sign of an idiot friend.

3. Drunk Texting or Calling at Night

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I can’t tell you how many nights of good sleep were interrupted by a giggling or sobbing idiot friend, or worse, a bored or simply drunk idiot friend. Seriously? This discussion about how great Doritos are can’t wait until morning?

4. Always Losing Something

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One of my dearest friends, bless her heart, may be turning out to be something of an idiot friend — the big red flag is that she is always, always losing things. Her car keys. MY car keys. Her left shoe. MY right shoe. It’s a little annoying, and while it’s almost always a sure sign of disorganization, it can often be a sign of an idiot friend.

5. Great Sense of Humor

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This is probably one of the reasons we keep our idiot friends around — they made us laugh harder than Dane Cook and LOLCATS put together. Ms. Friend is just plain hilarious, and nothing ever seems to bring her down.

6. Always Seems to Get by

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Nearly every idiot friend I’ve ever had has always managed to get by, no matter how many weird jobs they’ve had and quit, no matter what kinds of scrapes they get themselves into. How do I, Miss Straight-and-Narrow, get in all sorts of trouble, but my idiot friends float through life, unfazed?

7. Completely Loyal

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Every idiot friend I’ve ever had has been fiercely loyal, almost to a fault. In the words of David Sedaris, they’re also a poor judge of character, which is why they’re still friends with me. My idiot friends stick by me, no matter what. And I adore them for it.

8. Sweet, but Dumb

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Okay, idiot friends. This isn’t an insult, it’s kindly meant but completely true. You’re as sweet as can be, but you’re not terribly bright. You may know all about algebra or horse breeding or how to change the oil in your car, but aside from these few odd talents, you’re … dumb. Sweet! But dumb. But I love you this way!

Review the list of your friends and compare them against this list — who is she? Or he? With so many signs of an idiot friend, she (or he) has to be easy to pick out… I know how mine are, and I adore them… and I have a sneaking suspicions I might be an idiot friend sometimes, too! What about you? How did you pick out the idiot friend in your circle? Do tell!

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