It took me a really long time before I understood the different ways to recognize manipulation. I have always had difficult people in my life, and I'm sure you ladies have also. But I didn't understand that I was being manipulated. I just knew that I always seemed to walk away from those particular people feeling awful about myself and second guessing myself constantly. People manipulate in order to get what they want from others and there are many ways they can do this. This list is just a start in ways to recognize manipulation, and I'm sure a light bulb or two will go off for you as it did for me.
1 Flattery
Believe it or not, flattery is a common technique that manipulators use. We all love to receive compliments if they are genuine, but have you noticed some people cross the line to flattery in your life? Flattery is a form of seduction and is used to get you to lower your defenses and surrender your trust and loyalty. If your weakness is attention, they will use flattery to their advantage when speaking to you. The flattery can range from praising your appearance and talent, or simply by affirming that you are valued and important. While these comments may be true, a manipulator doesn't necessarily believe them; they use them on everyone, making flattery one of the subtlest ways to recognize manipulation.
2 Emotional Blackmail
Blackmail is an obvious sign of manipulation. When someone blackmails you, they are overtly using fear to control you in order to make you do what they want. But what is emotional blackmail? Emotional blackmail is a technique used that makes you believe that if you do X, you are a great friend, daughter, girlfriend, etc. But if you do Y, you are unattractive, bad, dumb, etc.
I once had someone I thought was a friend say I would be a horrible mother because my cat whined too much. This is an example of someone attacking your character. Manipulators will resort to just about anything to get what they want from you. At the time, this person wanted my pet out of my life and it wasn't until after the situation ended that I was able to recognize what happened. We all have weaknesses and strengths, this is what makes us human. But if you have someone in your life that attacks your character out of cruelty, this is a sign of manipulation.
4 Make You Uncomfortable
Have you ever been around someone that blurted out things (about you or others) just to change the emotional atmosphere? Maybe they say inappropriate things in general just to get a reaction, usually a negative one. If someone likes to make you and others feel uncomfortable just for fun, this is a sign of manipulation. While they may think they are being funny, they aren't. And you may find yourself caving in to do what they want just to get them to shut their mouth.
5 Not Straightforward
This is really close to lying but slightly different. An example of someone not being straightforward would be if they are moving a box and say, "this box is so heavy." This comment could get you to jump up and move it for them, which is what they wanted in the first place. But instead of saying, "Can you help me move this box?" they were not straightforward about it. The problem with this form of manipulation is that the person can get you to do multiple things for them throughout the day and you don't even realize it. It's a form of being passive-aggressive in order to control you. I've learned to recognize this and when I hear a person doing this, I will flip it into the actual question.
6 Lying
I've always heard lying and manipulation go hand in hand and that's because they usually do. Someone who manipulates isn't being honest in their approach, whether they realize it or not. So the very root of manipulation is lying. If you notice that someone in your life is lying to you, pay attention, ladies. I can't tell you how many times I have noticed a person lied to me and let it slide because it wasn't a "big" lie. Well, as the relationship continued, you better believe those little lies turned into bigger lies and I found myself dealing with a pathological liar who made me feel like I was the "crazy one." You won't win with a liar.
7 Blame
Ah yes, the blame game! Blame can manifest in many ways when you are dealing with manipulation, including denial, playing the victim and playing the servant. Have you dealt with someone who never wants to take credit for their part of the relationship? Maybe they are always the victim, allowing them to constantly blame others (including you). This is a form of manipulation because there is no accountability on their end and this can lead to you doing and saying things you normally wouldn't in a healthy relationship.
8 Guilt
Seriously, guilt can feel like a prison. And really, it is, ladies! If someone constantly uses guilt-trips on you, that isn't fair. It doesn't have to be overtly done either. I remember one evening I decided to meet some friends at an outdoor music concert. I was dating this guy (not my husband) who was a casebook manipulator and I found that I wasn't able to enjoy the concert. He wasn't calling me to nag about anything, so on the surface it would seem I had no reason to feel this way. But my thoughts were totally on him and what would he eat for dinner, I hope he's okay, etc. One of my friends had to check me and say, "Lezlie, he's a grown man, he can find something to eat." While that was true, I was living in a state of guilt and not able to enjoy my night out with friends. This is a personal example of how guilt can be used to manipulate.
Jenand #9 probably the worst experiences for me...thi...
9 Shame
This example is really sad to me because we shouldn't be ashamed of who we are, ladies! But so often we are, because we believed someone's lies along the way that shamed us. Manipulators will often use shame to control you. An example of this is attacking a part of your body so you won't wear certain clothes. Another example is attacking your thoughts and opinions so you become afraid to speak. If there is someone in your life who does this, it's not a good sign.
I share these points with you out of love because I have had to deal with a few manipulators, unfortunately. The great news is that once you begin to recognize the signs, you can begin to take control back for yourself. Have you ever dealt with manipulation? I'd love to read your thoughts!
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Raj Straightforwardness is a quality appreciated by many, followed by a few, and understood by even fewer. Well that was my observation and yours might be different from mine. Still, we will agree that the confusion regarding acceptance and rejection of this human trait is quite huge. We hope to be straightforward in life. No lie, no bending of facts and no diplomacy. I mean, if the situation doesn’t force, then who will desire to do all that? That’s straightforwardness in one form. The other side is that people relate it with rudeness, arrogance, and several other unpleasant attributes. The people in favor will appreciate you for being a straightforward man. On the other hand the people who are not in support of your ideas will criticize you for doing so. My opinion “A man must not be too straightforward because the trees standing straight in forest are chopped out first” Does this mean that it’s bad to be straightforward? Well! It depends on the circumstances and a wise man cannot afford to do it the wrong way. Actually, the straightforwardness is a quality to be admired. Anyhow, when you implement it the wrong way then it becomes a quality to repent. On giving a little thought I was able to conclude it’s applicability. Hopefully you will agree to that. Social Straightforwardness: When dealing with a second person, third person, or a group of persons; we must be careful. The simple rule is that you can only act straightforward when in a situation to bargain. When you are the Boss and things are under your control. If the situation is opposite, speak with lots of sweetness on your tongue. That sounds wicked, but in fact is the simple truth of life. In my opinion accept it. To prevent misinterpretation Straightforwardness has nothing to do with rudeness, impoliteness, anger, or frustration. It has definitely to do much with clarity. Always, think about the consequences and the outcome. It’s not a good idea to invite trouble for the sake of looking bold in front of others. Personal straightforwardness: Despite of all that confusion you must be very clear and straightforward with yourself. I mean your priorities must be crystal clear in your mind. No fog of any sort. The ideal situation will be where you can answer a question in ‘yes’ or ‘no’. The problem is that in many real-life-situations it won’t be possible to do so. When such situation arises then you will require using the ‘discretion‘. When you know who you are, what are your priorities, what you desire to accomplish, and how to accomplish; then most of the problems will get solved automatically. Be straightforward with yourself and don’t allow yourself to cut corners. Raj
Beau So so true. I wish I had known this years ago. Thanks much!
jess Omg this was so helpful!!! And true. I have dealt with someone who fit all of these points!! It's really good to know that I'm not the only one who has experienced this kind of person, so thankyou😊
Lezlie Hi ladies!! I'm so happy this article was helpful! I can definitely relate to many of the things you shared. You're all so strong :). Cheers to healthy relationships 💋.
Nicole Omg this article has truly helped open my eyes. Thank you so much god this excellent piece as it truly made me analyze the toxic so called friend in my life who literally did every single thing on your list to me. I literally feel so naive and blind for not realizing this for so long. Being emotionally blackmailed, guilted, shamed and all the rest was literally like living in a prison for so long. I prayed to god for so long to remove this snake from my life for so long and now she's gone, I can see all the damage and pain she's inflicted. This article has been like therapy for me and for that I have to thank you a million times over as there should be more articles like this. These informative pieces truly provide a service to people. Thanks again! 😊
Mercedes I have someone who constantly plays the victim..I know I've done wrong but is he perfectly perfect? No.
Belu Love it! I wish I have read this 2 years ago!!
Carla it is also keeping your power and not letting them have it ,that simple ,react not today be empowered tommorow :)
Carla letting your manipulator know you don't take it personal on not attaching to their ideas or projections about you is the deepest empowerment and most personal freedom . for you are then doing the opposite of what they are trying to control you , don't react , simply ignore it, don't attach and understand anyway it's Thier issue , not yours , for the best revenge is simply silence and giving it no life makes their projection nothing but a simple idea onto them and who they are for having it . don't attach to it , empower and be free ,make their thing no thing,it's that easy simply :)
Tiffany Unfortunately I know this all too well with family and friends! Thank you for the article!
Ema Thank you for sharing! Manipulators are one of the worst type of people out there. If we feel that we're changing our way of thinking and being in a negative way or if we constantly end up questioning ourselves from what our partner says or do or doesn't do, then the chances are we are with a manipulator! Get them out of your life and breath happy again, they're awful people ❤
Jen #8 and #9 probably the worst experiences for me...this article has def helped my awareness and will try and pause next time someone makes me feel uncomfortable and ask myself where is this coming from...again especially with GUILT , thanx again!!
cara Oh my goodness Lezlie this article makes me feel so much better like I did the right thing. I had an issue that dealt with number 8 with friends. They made me feel so guilty till I read this article. I feel the stress lifted off of me. This article couldn't have come at a better time. 😃😃