8 Tips for How to Deal with People Who Talk about You behind Your Back ...

If you’re struggling with how to deal with people who talk about you behind your back, I have some tips for you! I struggled with this my entire youthhood, and can honestly say, I wish I hadn’t cared so much. People can be cruel, especially when you’re young. Yet, even women who are adults have to deal with this issue, as do many men out there. Whether you’re young or old, check out some simple ways for how to deal with people who talk about you behind your back. I promise, if someone who is as sensitive to hurtful comments as I am can learn these, anyone can!

1 Don't Let the Person "win"

This tip was generously shared by one of our readers, Salma T. Thanks Salma!

I think it's really important to always remember that the person who's talking about you has gone down to a very low level to try and hurt you, and that you should always be the better person and not get mad about it and lash out at the person. As long as you ignore the person and the issue, that person will never get the satisfaction of knowing that they won the "fight".

Please feel free to add your own point at the end of the post. We'd love to hear from you!

Shaianne people at dance always gossip about me behind my b...

2 Consider the Source

One of the first tips for how to deal with people who talk about you behind your back is to consider the kind of person who’s actually doing it. Most of the time, it’s someone who has to compete with you somehow, whether as a colleague, other female, or team mate. Even your friends are in competition with you at some point in life, so if that's who talking about you behind your back, keep this in mind. Usually, they’re trying to gain something in favor of someone else by talking about you. Remember that most of the time, the person talking about you is only doing so for their gain, or that they just don't know how to deal with a mature relationship. Remember that before taking the next steps.

kimmy well i have "friends" (there fake learned my lesso...

3 Confront Them

The next thing you should do is to confront the person talking about you, but in a responsible, calm way. Don’t ask them why, because that doesn’t matter. Instead, tell them how hurt you are, and that you truly hate they feel that way, but you don’t appreciate them talking about you behind your back, especially if it isn't true. Confronting them puts you in control, and shuts the door on them talking about you. Even if they continue to talk about you behind your back, you’ve at least shown them you’re aware of it, and usually, this prevents them from doing so in the future.

eliza thanks because there are two girls we had and agur...

4 Don’t Worry about It

I know this sounds easier said than done, but truly, you can’t worry what people say about you all the time. Life is short, and your life is not going to be made up of what people say about you behind your back.

cutie I like this!! It really is helping me :) ...

5 Move on

Next, move on about your business. Get new friends, and show other people that what the person who is talking about you behind your back isn’t true. This is the best way to “get back” at another person talking about you - not lashing out.

I'm I try to get new friends but they are all boys and...

6 Remember You’re Better

Next, remember that you’re better than the low level the person talking about you behind your back has stooped to. Don’t give in to temptation to get mad, pout, and acting juvenile about it. Be an adult and move on about your business.

7 Tap into Your Backbone

The great thing about other people talking about you, is it gives you a backbone! You’ll want to make sure to tap into that backbone now more than ever. What I mean by this is, you’ve got to develop some tough skin. Others talking about you is part of growing up. Get strong, and write it off!

LLewellyn I don't get it but thank you for helping me so muc...

8 Think about More Positive Things

You can’t sit around and focus on what someone says about you behind your back. You’ll drive yourself crazy, and you’re not going to change anything. Being mad initially is natural, but after that, pick yourself up and move on, and think about something more positive instead! Your precious energy and talents shouldn’t be wasted concentrating on negative and usually untrue things, that someone is saying about you behind your back.

Learning and implementing these things has really helped me over the years, and I hope they will for you too. If you’ve learned something helpful about how to deal with people who talk about you behind your back, do you mind sharing it? What have you learned about people that chat about you when you’re not around?

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Comments

Mariah What I'm learning about this is just act like it isn't happening. Another thing I do is to show kindness and gratitude to the people around me that respects me.
Citlali I am a middle school girl who hangs out in the popular group. I feel like two of the girls who I thought were my bffs are talking about me behind my back. I don't know what to do, can you please help me?
Emily #1 no this isn't a good way, not all the time the person talking about you is at a low state.
raydale try not to care about it. even if its hard try not to care. yes it will take time but practice makes perfect and just try to think about better things in life, some people might like that or even love it. people have different opinions and that's alright but be your self. personally for me its hard. i care what people say about me so much it hurts sometimes. my mom tells me not to care but i still try even tho it's hard. i compare myself to others and that's what brings me down the most sometimes. Be yourself, it doesn't matter what other people think. only things that matter is what you think and caring about what other people think about u can sometimes lead to self doubt and maybe depression and that's not good at all. if your really struggling then get help or therapy. yes it might be hard but eventually you'll need it. hurting inside and holding in pain will only hurt even more and cause more damage in the end. this can lead to mental health problems. physical health, depression, sickness and more ( i cant really list any others). today a person that i thought was my friend actually wasn't. even if they were joking they obviously didn't care about how i felt and then others started laughing and making fun of me. it really hurts and it put me in a position to think about how i hurt others too and how they must've felt. I'll try to be a better person and be kinder. i wanna live up to the expectations i have for myself but sometimes the expectations you have for yourself can be too much. so try to take care of yourself and not care for what others think. from- ray :P
Stacey At first, knowing about it hurts a lot especially when you care so much about the person talking behind your back. But as time goes by, you realize, you can't change anything about their behavior even though you've already confronted them. Best advice is to ignore and focus on the people that actually care about you and is willing to work on your friendship.
nisha i am currently in year 11 and the whole year is talking about me being an alcoholic and some was spilt in a lesson. now im in suspension in school. but i still hear people talking about me and the situation. what do i do?
Tash I will talk to someone about it
kathy Is it people who are clean or unclean talking about you or what is it that you wanna pass the other end out of the second ply of waste in a loo.
alo Lets just say these group of people were taking abt me and my friends and i overheard them i alr told my friends abt it and they seem angrt one of them wants to confront a person should they do it
LLewellyn #7 I don't get it but thank you for helping me so much I use this in the future I don't get it but thank you for helping me so much are used to these in the future
LLewellyn #5 Well, the thing is, I might get the blame in the situation if something goes wrong and someone tells a person to sort this out and I believe that that it won't help that much but I feel a bit positive about moving on and not talking about them behind their back just saying that they just don't really like me that much. I feel like that will help.
LLewellyn #4 Yes, that is really a good idea but this situation it continues over and over again every day I find it happening to me. What do you think I could do about that if if I can't ignore it.
LLewellyn #3 I don't think that would work with the person I'm dealing with because she's got a bit of an attitude, aggressive and really sassy so confronting her will probably get me in trouble
LLewellyn #1 That's a really good tip I can I try do that and maybe don't tell them if they're a really aggressive person and then we'll talk about you more
2222 So how can I fully ignore them?
2222 I wish I don’t have to see those two again, I never talked about them but they kept on talking about me, once they said I have hairy nose(I actually don’t) it made me feel so bad. The reason we hate each other so much is because they steal my friends and I tried to stop them. Well I get it they are worthless but it’s just hard to ignore them when they are in my class
gianna This really helps so much in my school girls just talk bad about me and my friends they always make us faces and were like ok and they just keep on doing it every day every year and like they keep on writting my name on the girls reshtroom.
gianna #3 Thank you, so much theres a group of girls and there rude.
dayami #1 two girls was talking about me that i have a flat ass and I don't wear school uniform and a guy at park that IN front of the school he says i had a flat ass and that im ugly and skinny ohter things
Ducky #2 I have a girl in my class that HATES me one time, she talked bad about me and I heard it and the other girls just froze. ANd the girl said, "n-nothing!"
2222 thanks
2222 #1 nice
David #1 I put up with the negative things that this person continued to say about me until I was entirely fed up with it and I totally kicked them out of my life and I am fine with Friends and am totally happy now but be aware some of these people are narcissists and will try anything to get back in your life just keep moving forward and be happy with your life
autumn i hurt my knee playing basketball and got a doctors note and im on cruches now and i walked into the gym to find my friends talking about how i was faking it and how i needed to get over it and when they stoped talking cause i was there i asked them and they said they dont get why i am now on cruches when the day after it happened i wasnt but i had just gone to the doctors the day before and told them that i went and got it looked at when they were all talking about it the first time and. how i was fed up with them talking about me was that wrong?
scarlet #that helped me
Hoai There is this girl in my class, her name is Jayla. This guy in my class was saying me and her is best friend and I said that we weren't best friend and she also said that and then she started to saying that she is my 4 choice and that was in math class and then in science she also said that. After school, I went home and I remember what she said and I knew what she meant but I just didn't want to say something back because I was very tired that day, and I say to my self that if she say that one more time the next day, I'm gonna confront her. Ad then the next day, she started to talk about her best friend and she will be his first choice and then she was like unlike someone and then she look at me and then I got very mad and then I told her and the rest of the day I didn't talk to her. And then after school, I told my friend about it, they said that they throught Jayla was nice but she actually being toxic to me. And on Nov, 7, 2022, on monday we will confront her and I will end our friendship because I didn't to be friend with a person who talk shit about me. And SHE IS BEING SO FAKE!!
elinor #4 I like this. Life is too short. I always remind myself that I cannot please everyone. Focus on building up your own ego. Remind yourself that you are a great person, but you cannot please everyone. Some people are out there to hurt you. I find that the best thing that I can do is walk away from that toxic person. That is why I don not support item #3 about confronting people. I found out that even approaching these folks using my most pleasant voice, they scream and shout. Nothing is accomplished. Just ignore them!
Mia #1 people at school always talk bad behind my back an gets shared around the whole school and makes me really upset and not positive at all in my life. I've tyred every think i could think of but like it just turns into drama and gets worse so i don't know know what to do.
Be After rumors and gossip about you…… *Be careful who you you let in your life. * Don’t be vulnerable and tell your life story and secrets even if you think you know the person. * After seeing who/how the person is, ignore them in every way possible. In public maybe a wave if THEY want to say hi and go on (still be respectful). If the person wants to have conversation, keep it short and say u got to go and got things to do, walk away. * It is a hard lesson to learn but in the end you Win! In my situation I will forgive but there is no repairing the friendship. It is their loss of not wanting a true friend, and down the road they see your happiness, that hurts them. (Win for you) * Be patient because the truth about the other person will show. It may take awhile, but when it does YOU WIN! Now to get on with your life and prove to people that rumors/gossip are not true by your actions.
Emerald #2 Thanks that's what i try to do all the time thxs
Emerald #1 That's helpful
Patrick Do you agree I am taken the correct action?
Patrick Yes that happened to me with a sibling who I confided in and she repeated every thing to others. It’s in her nature and I suppose she can’t help it. I felt hurt and betrayed and found her toxic. My relationship with her become false and I was no longer comfortable with her. She was passive aggressive and I felt down after speaking to her. Unfortunately I have to distance myself from her and move on with my life. I feel sad about this, but at the same time I am feeling much happier not having contact with her. She has an extremely negative affect on me and it’s not good for me. I don’t hate her and would never want any harm to come to her, but I don’t ever want contact with her. I was not just on one occasion. I spent years of her behaviour and she had damaged my relationship with other family members. If you have a friend ,or family member like my sibling you really are better off disconnecting from them ,or you will end up hating them and damage yourself. I could feel the sighs and disconnected before I got to that point. I love her from a distance now and try and think positive about her good points. She is not all bad.
- Stacy @Patrick: I'm 52 my sister is 60 we have never gotten along when her daughter said what 16 years ago @ 15 years of age that it seems like my mom is always trying to find something negative to say about you or trying to find someone to say something negative about you. . .I said I have No ideal why . . .I've tried since we were 27 and 35 to build up the bond especially since I hadn't been around her since I was 10 until 27 we live 1000 miles away. . . Long story short DO NOT BUT YOURSELF INTO building a bond with a TOXIC INDIVIDUAL REGARDLESS if it's family or an associate. . .FRIENDS are the INDIVIDUALS WHO ACCEPT YOU EXACTLY THE WAY YOU ARE, MESSY CLUTTERBUG, OVERSHOPPER WHATEVER THEY SEE YOU , YOUR HEART, SPIRIT AND SOUL . . AND WOULDN'T CHANGE A THING ABOUT . SURROUND yourself with those individuals as for family they sometimes must be LOVED from a DISTANCE LIFE TOO DAMN SHORT TO BE ANYTHING OTHER THAN HAPPY AS YOUR TRUE SELF 😘
- catherine @Patrick: I could have written that yourself, I feel you because I've been going through exactly the same thing with mine.
Christ Very interesting
Eunice That happen to me. Yes it hurt in the beginning. But like said in the tips go on with your life. Bible says the tongue is like a forest fire. So put that fire out by ignoring them. But in the mean time smile and stay out of their way but still be generous to them
Antonio Telling her coming from your sister
Theresa #1 a friend accused me of talking to other people about him. This simply is not true what cn I do to convince him that I did not do it.
Sammy Kind of sad when it's a family member and when that family member is someone a generation older than you. I had it the other day; I was feeling too ill to take the way this person spoke to me, so I challenge it blindly back and told them point-blank not to speak to me that way and they had crossed an unacceptable line. We had a very short silent visit and didn't speak for two weeks (fine by me, I was trying to heal from hospital) I then had a very desperately passive-aggressive email from this person trying to assert dominance because they felt their authority was threatened and they were attempting to brow beat me down; saying that they (and the family) talked behind my back. Given how inconsequential the argument was and how my health was, it was a clear indicator of this person's inability to correctly read a situation and respond. Ultimately I apologized for snapping so abruptly (only for that - because I was ill and I knew I was out of line to respond so shortly, not, however, because I called this person out) and dismissed it for the acrid banality that it was, that annoyed them more than anything else. They tried again and still got no response that they wanted. I only said to contact me again when they were ready to move on - putting the responsibility back into their hands to make a humble gesture and acknowledgement, even subliminally without an actual apology (which I wasn't expecting) from them for their wrong-doings. I hope they reflected on it afterwards and realized how they looked and sounded after that. I do think lack of reaction is the most infuriating response to give, they waste their time and energy getting worked up - only for it to be dismissed. They don't get a rise, which denies them an outlet to vent on and the opportunity to lower you to their level. It highlights their own pettiness and foolishness and hopefully makes them dwell on it, at least enough to re-think their words and actions. It also hands the control to you and lets them know that they don't dictate their level of influence and importance in your life, you do; if you dismiss them and deny them your attention, that's a clear sign about their stance in your social pecking order; it can be humbling. My favorite phrase to things like this is "You can say and think what you like, that is your prerogative; I can too and most certainly I have my own thoughts and opinions regarding you in return. Ultimately it changes nothing."
Lucy I've realized that most of the people talking behind my back are more screwed up than l am.
Noxolo #but it hurt sometimes. But because u already grow up let them talk just because u smile with them they think they know you better .
Tamalia #5 yes I have a weird guy that loves on our property he's really cocky and he bums all the time when he should be working he always bums drinks and cigarettes and everything ...well one night he knocked on my bedroom door wanting another cigarretes and I told him to get a Job well he went and told my brother about it everyone and he said well my sister will be here tomorrow and I'll have her give her a piece of her mind...
Elena Wow, thank you so much, I've been trying to figure out how to confront this former friend all day.
Bobzilla I was being bullied in my school They told me I was snot behind my back and whispered it I am a quiet person and don’t know how to react Tips pls I’m only 11
Bobzilla #1 cool
Gail #3 People are going to talk about you regardless just move on and live the way God wants you to live Wmen
Casey #3 the best way to light the fact that you know someone is talking about you behind your back and to be tactful when addressing, Simply to say," you do know blowing out someone else's candle doesn't make yours burn any brighter"
Morgan #4 When people talk about you remember. Negative views and perceptions of you will not kill you. Your existence does not rely on whether you are liked or not. Affirm yourself everyday "It's okay if everyone does not like me, I like me". Negative perceptions do not change my function here on earth.
Morgan #1 When we lash out on the person we meet them at the same level they are at. I often hear the statement "I'm tired of being the bigger person", but being the bigger person will only elevate you in the end. While they choose hate and evil you choose love and forgiveness. Most importantly extend them grace. The more graceful we are to ourselves the better we can extend grace to others.
- Wayne @Morgan: I agree with everything you said except love and forgiveness. They never get that from me.
Theodore Extremely insightful!! Must keep this in mind.
Aoislin but if we are meant to stay away from that person we cant approach them
becky purr
Azeez Is best I live them alone because sometimes they don't want to see you do good things in life an when you say something they'll want to fight you or over ride your talk
queen #4 me too i dont care about what poeple say
Madie #1 just heard by best friend talking bad about me :)
janice I live in a senior citizens ive been here for 8 years and this women i call a bulley tries to pick a fight with me every summer. She is always talking about and every new person that comes. This is school stuff i can't beleave this goes on.
Dorothy #1 I think it makes them feel important..or they think they are better than you..if the truth is known..they having problems that we do not know about..
david #1 By not addressing the issue you ARE letting the person win. They have simply not received any negative reinforcement for their bad behavior. These people feel like they have a license to say whatever they want about whomever they please. I would make sure the person is aware that you without a doubt heard them talking about you. Now, what you do from here all depends. What I would do is, I would give it to God. But I understand that some people operate without knowing God. If I were them I would tell my friends who was talking about me and what they said about me. I might even have a conversation with the person they were talking to. Tell them that they were participating in a conversation that was at my expense without my permission and in the absence of my presence so that I might defend myself. The bottom line is this; chances are if you overhear someone talking about you then it probably happens fairly often. Overhearing gossip is like spotting a roach; if you see one, there's many more around hiding.
Lizz They are not to be trusted and they will never truly care or be ! Real friend.
Rosie I have not lashed out at this person nor am I mad, but sometimes you have to stand up to these people who not only talk behind your back, but what they are saying are all lies! If I keep quiet and not try to defend myself in a rational and/or professional manner, then I am saying its okay for them to make the false statements about me and I should just sit back and ignore them?? Someone has to stand up to this person. They keep talking because they have not had anyone confront them and call them out, again, in a civilized manner!
Ashley #1 Personally, I'm friends with the person who's talking bad about me. I found out she was talking bad about me because a friend of mine showed me their texts with my friend. So how should I handle it?
Helen How to deal with it ?
Helen When your sister and brother and other talk about you when you show love towards them what to do.
cutie Really helped me :) TYSMQ
cutie #4 I like this!! It really is helping me :)
Fatima My narcissistic psychopath mother in low, she so jealous of me about everything. She spread negative things, rumors about me that is not true. I hope one day all she say about me will go back to her more and more. She's not human!
eliza #3 thanks because there are two girls we had and agurement and we are not friends anymore and people keep on coming up to me and telling me that they said this about me so i say something rude back and they said that if i wanted to talk about them they will talk about me so yeah
Evelyn My so called boyfriend badmouth me in the store I go for many year's saying he's not going to share a pack of beer with me then he came to my crib to drink it and eat dinner in my home,when he left he took his 2 beer that was left..I feel ashamed tour's his behavior against me,he is very cheap to even give me one cigarette..I help him a lot ..not knowing he was just using me..how to overcome my feeling now..not knowing I was with a LOWLIFE !..😞
Andytervit #1 your a better person than they are they always get there day they have nothing else to do with there boring life
I'm #5 I try to get new friends but they are all boys and that makes people talk about me more what do I do?
SHIRLEY I ask them if they feel better after they have said something mean, and than I just walk away.
Needing Right now the whole school is talking about someone pulling my costume wig off when it was costume day. I always hear my friends laughing at me talking about me behind my back. My mom says just ignore them or curse at them but that is not working at all. I already lost 2 friends because they talk about me behind my back. It hurts. What should I do?
- god @Needing: it really does hurt , something exactlly like this is happening to me too
Shaianne #1 people at dance always gossip about me behind my back and it is really hurtful, especially when they hardly do it anyone else. and you really dont know how it feels unless it happens to you, and it is not a good feeling at all. im also a really soft emotional person so it just adds more to the pressure. and its really hard to avoid it, and i have talked about people behind their back aswell when i was younger but i stopped because i realized that it just didnt do any good to do that and it just causes drama and others to be hurt. i think sometimes the person gossiping usually doesnt think of it as gossip or they dont really think about the person that theyre talking about and if it will hurt them. but it does! also so many people are just immature and jealous so they will talk about you behind your back to make them feel better about themselves. but dont let it bother you, it is really hard. but plz make sure you arent the person talking about others behind their back. this is something that can strengthen you, and you are amazing not matter what they say!
B Even people you wouldn't expect to, do..
kimmy #2 well i have "friends" (there fake learned my lesson the hard way). and they are constantly leaving me, not talking to me, saying thay hate me, and talking about me. so i just dont know what to do.
elizabeth My best friend has been talking about me behind my back and has been making new best friends, only talking to me about her problems and relying on me as a back-up friend. What should I do?
- Varshini @elizabeth: Same
Tshepiso So if is it okay if i just ignore those people and show them that I've got no interest in what they're saying about me?
Beard99 I've lived a full life, but when I got a job, some colleagues talked behind my back, and I didn't comfort on the date since I was really sad because someone had cheated on me. Allow me to have a greater impact on my life. Life is always lonely.
Lisa This was very helpful. I just married (widower) who has 9 (count 'em - 9!!!) adult children, two of whom are really terrible gossipers and I am (apparently) one of their favorite topics. Thank you for this article.
Della What if it's a family member? We have a really big family, and they all claim to love each other, but can easily be swayed to talk trash about me. What's up with that?
Tori Lots of people start saying bad things about me and my cousin who I am extremely close to started believing in these things and it's hard to make them believe that it's not true but the just don't listen and my bestfriends are the only people that didn't believe! But I made things out and everyone sorta kinda is cool now!
Zoze And the people that know me and care, will know the truth too :)
Zoze I needed this, thank you. My now ex best friends started making up lies about me and getting everyone to turn on me. It's okay though, I know the truth and I don't want anything to do with them :)
- god @Zoze: hate thisss soo much - still happening to me since primary but its not that bad rn
Zafeerah Just ignore them. Focus more on developing inner strengths and improve oneself for the better. :)
Zafeerah :sticker_dont_worry:
missallen everybody goes through it once in there life, so u just gotta think positive
Caitlin So helpful! Puts a new positive perspective on things🙌😊👍
Kim We need more 👍than 👎. In this day we seem to find the - in people quite easily, where finding the is harder. My mom seems to be 👎😠. This makes it extremely tricky as I still have to live with her everyday. There is others too, still hoping to find more people. - would make me feel a lot better
Cartelea Laugh
Ya Everyone has done this , literally
Princess 👍👍👍👍👍
Sugamama These are some really good tips, but people who talk behind your back, do it because they hope it want get back to you. They need a life not you! You are the captain of your life and it will change everyday. Don't sweat the SMALL STUFF, human ego loves to see you feeling uncomfortable and squirming. Love conquers all be who you R.
Інна :sticker_xoxo:
Інна True!