All women hope they never have to find ways to deal with domestic abuse but when the signs of violence are there you must take them seriously, whether you see them in your own relationship or in someone else's.
Understanding is a great thing, if it comes from the heart. Your life is too fragile to be wasted like that. After reading those last two lines, you are probably wondering how those two things connect, some people might understand, but most people won't and I'd like to help you.
First of all, If you're reading this there's an 80% chance that you're a victim of violence, and for the remaining 20%, I hope it never happens to you! but if it does you need to be prepared, because one can never be too careful. I hope you read this and pay full attention to all I have to say. There are ways to deal with domestic violence - not easy, but very necessary.
I am not going to pretend I understand what you're going through and give you some crappy advice, because I don't understand. I understand my own circumstances. I couldn't understand yours, pain is felt differently. I haven't exactly been through physical abuse, but have had my own share of things like pain, nevertheless I don't understand your situation, because I have always believed that the whole "I understand your pain, I know what you're going through." is bullshit! I don't because only you understand your pain, you're the one going through it. This is me introducing you to reality and I hope you can see through me or maybe my writing.
I always had the eccentric idea that women that are physically, emotionally or psychologically abused are probably uneducated or dumb, but I recently realized it's so much more than that. Smart, educated, beautiful women get abused and still feel like there's nothing they can do, they feel helpless, basically, and I wonder why, there's the law, why won't we use it.
The truth is that some of us are in denial, too scared or in love. Denial as I see it is a figurative term, you imagine the best even when you know it's the worst. You want to believe it's not happening, you cover up, you make excuses. You make yourself believe that something that should be terrifying isn't.
As for being scared, let's say a kid is being beaten by someone, maybe a guardian, an aggressive parent or someone else. The child will definitely start feeling really insecure and unsafe. It's the same thing with adults. It's not that you can't stand up to the person, it's just that your mind has made you believe that you can't stand up to this person, the person may threaten you or may not, but that's what violence does. It makes you feel powerless.
And as for being in love, there's nothing scarier than love. Sometimes I just think, why wouldn't you leave him, why would you endure the unendurable, wouldn't you feel safer if you leave, why do you pretend it's not happening? I am not demeaning you or anything, it's just the question I ask myself when I see signs of domestic abuse and see people go through these things, but I have come to understand that love works like hypnosis.
Love! Against all odds, why should I leave him? We have been through so much together, he is the father of my children, he is a very good father, well of course he is as long as the children don't know what he is doing to their mother. You probably have your reasons for staying, we all have reasons why we do things.
So ladies, what do we do when our men get violent? How do you deal with domestic abuse?
1. Admit Your Reality
You need to bring yourself to realize that it is what it is. If you're in denial you can't do anything. He probably keeps on saying he will change, but how many times has he said that? We both know if he's been hurting you, he will do it again, more and more till he pushes you to the wall and you can't take it anymore. Come back to reality, stop fantasizing about how your man should be when you can see clearly what he is.
2. Plan Ahead
I have heard stories of men who beat their wife and she can't leave because she thinks she'd be nothing without him. Where would she go with her kids? How would she live? First of all, prepare yourself because leaving him might be harder than staying with him but it's totally worth it. Look for an apartment or a house, if you have enough money buy it or rent it. If you have siblings, or parents or friends, ask them for help. You can start working if you don't have a job.
3. Prepare Your Mind
You need to prepare for the worst, because this might be the hardest time of your existence. If he is a very powerful man in the society, then you should know what you're going up against, he might never admit he hits you, and if he's powerful enough and you're just a shadow, he will use his influence, definitely break you and so will his lawyer. If you don't prepare your mind, no one will believe you, that's why the next point is so important.
4. Always save Evidence
Take pictures of your bruises, make recordings or videos, because you would need evidence in court. If he has a good lawyer and you don't have evidence, he's going to win because your word isn't enough. Even the people who seem to be very holy and responsible on the outside do terrible things. If you have read the book PURPLE HIBISCUS you probably understand. no one would believe you, because he's a great man on the outside. Document it all, including the times he has beaten you. Explain with clarity and enough information.
5. Find a Witness
It's best to confide in someone. talk to someone today because one of the questions the lawyer will ask is who's your witness. So tell her or him. You need to tell someone, let someone know what you're going through.
6. Divorce and Move on with Your Life
To be honest, I would have suggested you pack your things and leave immediately, but you can't do that because thousands of women are out there getting abused, you aren't the only one. Think about if you ever had a daughter. Would it be okay if her husband was hitting her? Fight for yourself, fight for your daughter, let her know it's isn't okay for someone to hit her. It might be a tough fight but you can do it. Let's fight for ourselves, don't let any man gamble with your life. Get a divorce, because love isn't violent. Love is caring, not abusive.
Do you have questions? Have you been through this, what did you do? Do you have anything to add? Please comment below.