An Alien Invasion? Tomorrow? As if you don’t have enough to worry about, there’s always the threat that some ultra intelligent life from a galaxy far far away has powered up their dilithium crystals, gone into warp drive, shot through a wormhole, battled occluded nebulae and are whisking their way to earth to mount a mass takeover and destroy our world as we know it. Nobody ever really prepares for a potential alien invasion. It isn’t like the Cold War when having a nuclear bunker in your back yard was normal. If the Sykon people from Asparta or the Umlaks from Lutan arrive in earth’s skies in an alien invasion, we will be woefully inequipped to deal with them. That needn’t be the case. Here are the 10 Greatly Useful Essentials You Must Have if There’s an Alien Invasion Tomorrow.
One of the biggest problems with an alien invasion will be the inability to communicate. That intergalactic translator the alien is brandishing will look remarkably like a weapon and lo, what happens but a trigger happy suede head thinks it’s a good idea to open fire. Any chance of negotiation is lost. Get your own intergalactic translator and be at the forefront of dialogue for peace. Of course, you could always learn some choice phrases from a wide range of alien languages. “I am a friendly native”, “I don’t own a gun” and “would you like a cup of tea” might work. Failing that, learning how to say “I Surrender” in 50 alien tongues is your best bet.
If talking has failed and you are now at war with the Planet Zarg, you have to be able to survive for long periods without any aid. This is why you should look back to the old Cold War years and get that bunker prepared and outfitted with supplies. Uncover that cellar lock up and fill it with as many cans as you can stockpile.
An alien invasion brings about many possibilities for the entrepreneurs in our world, and one of these schemes involves this book. This book will teach you how to survive for years whilst the invaders destroy everything you once loved. It will most likely also teach you how to live in an enclosed space with that methane cloud you call a husband too, so watch out because it’s coming soon!
Assuming our electricity and satellites haven’t already being knocked out before you become aware of the invasion, you should make sure you call your loved ones immediately. Probably not a good idea to invite them over to your bunker, though, because do you really want to be stuck in a bunker with old Uncle Joe and his war stories for the next six to eight months?
No doubt your man was waiting for this part since men love a reason to start shooting things legally and indiscriminately. Ideally this would be a good way to guard your bunker, but your best option in an alien invasion is to just stay quiet and hope some lone soldier defies all the odds and destroys an entire fleet with just him, a coat hanger, and a Swiss army knife. Failing that, get your hands on an old Russian missile they missed in the last stock take. If you’re going to go, you might as well take a few hundred thousand aliens with you.
These would be useful if we have finally decided to wimp out and just let them in. Let’s get the negotiators to tell the aliens we’re quite happy to share Earth with them but they must have passports and entry visas. If the passport process is as long winded elsewhere in the world as it is in Britain, the aliens will get fed up waiting in queues, throw their green card applications on the ground, get back in their spaceships and tootle off to invade a world less clued up than ours.
Our side is losing, it looks like it has no chance of winning, and supplies are running low, what’s the answer? Betrayal! In the event of an alien invasion, simply dress up in your alien costume and slip away in the dead of night and join the other side. It might be somewhat morally reprehensible, but it was Darwin who said the survival of the fittest.
That’s right, if you have decided to stay on the side of the humans then it’s time to go all Wonder Woman on those aliens. Sadly Wonder Woman’s apparel may not be of any use to you in a nuclear winter-like world, but if you can get a few pieces of kitchen cutlery then you can create some armor to protect against ray guns and mind control.
Having US citizenship is definitely the best thing to have in the event of an alien invasion. Just when the probability of annihilation looms large, American ingenuity overcomes all the odds to save the world. A few rednecks and Will Smith with a big gun, fend off the invaders whilst a brilliant but troubled or disgraced scientist finds the answer to the meaning of life, the universe and everything. Hollywood is definitely the best place to be when the skies are darkened by hostile spaceships.
It was H G Wells that first mooted the idea that the smallest things on earth would save humankind when those nasty aliens come a knocking. Both versions of the movie The War of The Worlds teach us that our greatest weapon against space invaders is the common cold. So, empty the medicine cabinet, throw the flu drugs down the toilet and get outside sneezing.
Whether you decide to join the side of an alien invasion or whether you decide to stay true to humanity, the best option is to certainly run-off to America if you want to stand the best chance of surviving. If you are already in America it is up to you to defend the earth with all your might. Millions are certain to die, but with these Greatly Useful Essentials You Must Have if There’s an Alien Invasion Tomorrow you can be one of the survivors and give the rest of us a fighting chance. So which side would you be on during an alien invasion, do you think you would have what it takes to survive?
Top Photo Credit: A_Kramet
Please rate this article