Whether or not you’re struggling with losing someone in your life, or you’re just shy, there are many ways of overcoming fears of intimacy that can help you learn to get close to others again. Losing friends, boyfriends, parents, or anyone you’re close to can create a painful void in your heart, causing you to pull away from others. I understand this, because I’ve been there. It seems safer to distance ourselves from other people when we’re afraid of getting hurt. Once people hurt you, it can make you a little hesitant to get close to others again. This is especially true with the opposite sex. However, there are plenty doable ways of overcoming fears of intimacy with others. You weren’t meant to live life alone, and though I think it is great to be an independent woman, we aren’t meant to live our whole lives this way, secluded from others out of fear. Check these tips out and be sure to share yours with me too!
This may sound like an odd way of overcoming fears of intimacy, but hear me out, okay? I learned that one of the most effective ways of finding out why I was scared to get close to other people again was to write out my fears and thoughts on relationships. I journaled every single day for two years when going through some of my hardest times after losing people close to me. I wrote out my fears, my hurts, what I wanted for relationships in the future, and what I was learning about myself. What I learned through writing was that ever since I was a child, I felt safer around others. I never liked to be alone as a child, or at least not for long. After that, in high school, I spent most of my time with friends or a boyfriend and very little alone time. When I lost all those people, I wasn’t comfortable with myself for a period of years. Finally, I learned that I could be alone and be quite happy, but also be open to new relationships. Once you get confident with yourself, and learn to be happy with yourself, you’ll be more open to the possibility of relationships again. I learned all this through writing out my fears, and you could do the same. Perhaps you’re scared of getting close to someone because they lied to you and you feel you can’t trust anyone anymore. Writing this out can help you see what you’re afraid of and face those fears head on instead of pushing them away as if they don’t exist. Sometimes, we don’t even know why we’re turning away relationships when we do. Writing things out can give you some clarity and help you see the light.
One other great way I learned to overcome my fear of intimacy was to decide what I really wanted for my life. When thinking about my future, did I want to spend it alone every single night in a house by myself, or come home every single day to just my dog (who, let’s be honest, would live a while, but not forever)? Sure, I could get more dogs, but they don’t compare to people! You get my point here, I hope. I decided that I wanted someone to spend my life with, and though I haven’t found that person yet, just deciding that I wanted someone in my future was a huge step for me. For so long I had convinced myself that I would just grow old single. Now, I know that was just a decision I made to keep myself safe from the possible pain of losing someone again. While I still fear that at times, I do know that I want a partner in life more than I fear losing someone again. Decide what you want for your life. Do you want a close group of friends? Do you want a partner in life? Do you want to be close to your family? Make these decisions now so you can put the rest of my tips into action.
Now that you’ve decided what you want out of life, part of overcoming your fears of intimacy is to start getting out! You can’t spend your entire life inside your house or all day at your job and then come home by yourself, and expect to meet people. You have to get out! Go to the bookstore, the local coffee shop, the park, church, etc. Just get out somehow. Start doing this a few times a week and try to strike up conversations with other people. You need to get out and meet others and remember to gravitate towards people that you can actually see yourself spending time with. Don’t go up to a man getting wasted at a bar if that doesn’t appeal to you. Don’t start hanging around groups of people that aren’t doing things you enjoy. Start gravitating towards people that enjoy the same things as you to help you embrace getting out more. Though all my friends have different interests than me, this small tip can be a great way to get started meeting other people if you’re new to it for awhile.
Looking back, I can see how guilty I was of pushing people away in my life, that honestly, were trying to get close to me, but I wouldn’t let them. I was so terrified of getting hurt, that I let great people slip right through my fingers because I pushed them away. Don’t do this, dear! You’ve got to stop pushing people away. Don’t avoid their calls, make excuses not to go out, or tell them you’re busy all the time. Pushing people away will do you no good and will only make you sorry, lonely and feel guilty later. Some of the best people you might ever have had the privilege of knowing and having a relationship with are people that you might be pushing away. Let them try to be a part of your life. That is one gift that we are all lucky to have and shouldn’t take for granted.
One way to overcome your fear of intimacy is to loosen up! Life is so short; don’t be so serious all the time! Loosen up a bit by laughing more, relaxing more and taking yourself less seriously when it comes to getting out and having fun. Stop trying to be perfect or make other people perfect. Let go of the reins you’ve got such a grasp on in your life and loosen up a little. While you should still behave like a grown woman, you shouldn’t be so serious with yourself that you forget to let yourself have fun. This will help you learn to loosen up around others and allow you to get close to people again. I’ve learned to relax more around new people, take myself less seriously, and quit trying to be perfect. By doing so, I find it easier to meet others, accept invitations to do things with other people, and talk to strangers wherever I’m at. No one expects you to be perfect, so why are you trying so hard?
I strongly believe that one reason many of us are afraid to get close to people is that deep down somewhere inside us, something tells us we don’t deserve it. Once we lose a certain person, or a certain amount of people in our life, our subconscious mind can start to tell us that maybe we just don’t deserve it. We start to think that maybe we were meant to be alone because we can’t keep relationships. This is rubbish! Remember, everyone deserves someone. Even if you made a mistake, you still deserve the opportunity to be close to people. You have to tell yourself this every single day or you’ll never believe it. Yes, you’re allowed to make mistakes, and people will hurt you sometimes in life, sometimes many times. Remember that you deserve quality, life-enhancing relationships and expose yourself to the opportunity of finding those again.
One last tip for overcoming your fears of intimacy is to start doing things that increase your self confidence. This is important for a couple of reasons. For one, it gives you a little motivation to make some changes in your life and two, it makes you feel more confident to talk to others and meet new people. Start taking more walks, going to the gym, eating healthy foods, and wearing form-fitting clothes. Get a great haircut or new hairstyle, do more meditation, cook your own meals, write yourself positive notes to put on the mirror, etc. These things will make you more confident and give you a little pep to your step that will inspire you to try to things and open yourself up around others. If you are in a new relationship, it can also help you overcome insecurities that you feel around your new partner.
Getting close to other people can be scary, but it isn’t impossible, no matter what you’ve been through. I can tell you that after being alone for a very long time after losing many, many people in my life, I’m finally able to overcome my fears of intimacy to have relationships with others. It is never too late to start, so what are you waiting for? Have you ever dealt with fears of intimacy?