Resting Bitch Face (or Bitchy Resting Face, pick your poison) is a real thing. For the women and men who have it, the struggle is real, as well – the struggle of worrying that at any given time, you look like you want to kill everyone in your vicinity, even though you're thinking about how to steal the last cupcake from your partner. Our thoughts are so innocent, our expressions so lethal, our experiences so universal – right?
1 That Moment when...
...a new friend gets really honest and confesses to you, "When we first met, I thought you were such a bitch, lololol!" What are you even supposed to say to that?
Frequently asked questions
2 That Moment when...
...someone accuses you of being judgmental when you're just thinking about what to binge watch next, so you judge them for judging you. People always think the look on my face means I'm being an awful judgmental cow, but honestly I'm probably just thinking about my dogs.
3 That Moment when...
...your partner or BFF asks you if you're really okay for the eighteenth time. You try to be patient and understanding because you're not a bitch, after all, you just look like one, but it's so tiring sometimes.
4 That Next Moment when...
...the same person asks for the nineteenth time and you honestly just cannot. You just can't and you wish they couldn't either.
5 That Awkward Moment when...
...somebody asks if you're upset in front of a bunch of other people and everyone starts getting involved and asking concerned questions about your wellbeing. Even though you want to die inside, you still have RBF.
6 That Moment when...
...someone you genuinely like asks if you're mad at them and you feel horrible, but your face doesn't. It's worse if you're a socially awkward introvert because it usually means you're going to have to hug someone.
7 That Moment when...
...you try to make a joke and it bombs because no one can tell you're trying to be funny. When you find people who appreciate your dry wit and deadpan style, cherish them. Keep them for always.
8 That Unbearably Uncomfortable Moment when...
...someone you barely know gives you a hug to “make you feel better” and you're just unwillingly along for the ride. Alternate title: When Resting Bitch Face Wrecks Your Bubble. This is worse than choosing to give someone a hug because, in my experience at least, it's always a casual acquaintance I don't know very well and just no.
9 That Moment when...
...somebody tells you to smile. It's my body, I'll do what I want.
10 That Moment when...
...somebody else tells you that you'd look prettier if you smiled. Wtf? Many of my responses are not fit for print and do not have a cute SFW acronym, but my favorite nonverbal reply is a sneer.
11 That Spectacular Moment when...
...you finally break the Bitch Face and bare your teeth. If somebody wants you to fake it, bust out some Meg Ryan level fakery.
12 That Occasional Moment when...
...you have to apologize for scaring someone with your big fake smile. Sorry, sorry. Sometimes it just gets away from you.
13 That Moment when...
...you're enjoying yourself at some festive function and people keep asking if you're really having fun. My wife does this all the time, even though she knows better, but also, I'm willing to frighten people with my fake smile, so ... I don't have a problem saying peace out and leaving if I'm somewhere I don't want to be.
14 That Moment when...
...you're fully concentrating on what someone is saying and they stop talking to ask if you're bored. This one makes me feel bad, at which point I go out of my way to assure them that no, I'm totally interested, this is just my face, and thereby make things even more awkward.
15 The Moment when...
...you're honestly upset about something, but nobody knows because your face looks the same way it always does. This is both a blessing and a curse, depending on if you want anyone to know you're experiencing some feelings.
16 That Moment when...
...somebody compares you to a cat for the fifty millionth time. Really? Never heard that before. Not once.
17 That Moment when...
...somebody compares you to a cat ... and you're a dog person. I'm like, how dare you? You don't know me.
18 That Moment when...
...you're having a great day and you feel amazing. You're on top of the world, everything is perfect, and you're just buoyant and happy and generally loving life.
19 But then That Moment when...
...you finally catch sight of what you actually look like, and you realize why everyone thinks you're pissed off all the time. That is not your mirror face.
20 That Moment when...
...you start getting paranoid about your face. You worry obsessively about your expression and what it's giving off. You might even start trying to make yourself smile all the time. This will make your cheeks ache and your lips will feel stretched. Also, you'll probably feel a little weird and inauthentic.
21 That Triumphant Moment when...
...you say to hell with all that and embrace your fierce, fabulous, flawless Resting Bitch Face because it is a superpower. It hides your feelings, it's the perfect poker face, it photographs beautifully, and it's yours.
I love my RBF. It's true, Resting Bitch Face keeps you young, plus I just don't like giving away all of my thoughts and emotions right away. If I have to reassure everybody that I'm okay all the time in return, so be it. How about you?
