7 Cards Hallmark Needs to Make ...

I'm not a big drinker myself, but some of my friends like to get their party on over the weekends. I think there should be Hallmark cards you can give to people who have completely out-partied themselves. Wouldn't that be a nice gift on a Monday morning? You could give your BFF or favorite co-worker a card expressing sympathy for their painful hangover. «I head you were sick/ I heard you were sad/ I heard you had a headache/ and that you're feeling bad/ So here's a little love/ from you to me/ Next weekend go easy/ On the Long Island Iced Tea.»

I would love it if someone sent me a card for this. What I mean is, you know how there's always one week every month – maybe during your period, or right before – where not even your favorite pair of jeans fit right. They probably look just fine, but they feel tight and it makes you feel fat, and it's just a trainwreck all the way around. Wouldn't it be great if your friends could send you a card when that period of time is over and your jeans go back to fitting beautifully? «We were about to stage an intervention/ To deal with your sadness over water retention/ We promise your pants weren't bursting at the seams/ And hope you feel better now because your butt looks great in your jeans.»

Maybe it's just me, but I go to pieces when my internet is down. I won't say I get depressed, but I'm definitely not a ray of sunshine. I am in fact prone to fits of rage and malaise. I know a tragically high number of people who just can't handle it when they don't have internet access, and I think Hallmark cards should incorporate this disaster into their sympathy division. «All your animals in Farmville are dying/ And your followers on Twitter are crying/ You're missing all the new memes floating around/ So we'll fill up your inbox while your internet's down.»

Social media is great, but in certain situations it kind of sucks. That's mainly because it allows people to discuss important things without being face to face. As such, breakups by email, Facebook, and text are becoming more and more common – and that's awful. Wouldn't it be great if Hallmark made a sympathy card for that? «So sry my friend/ That ur relationship's at an end/ So wut if he dumped u thru text?/ U'll get some1 better next/ & he wont b such a JAGERBOMB/ Oops Autocorrect I meant jerk.»

Actually, there should be Hallmark cards for bad boyfriends or girlfriends anyway. I mean, there are so many of them floating around, you know the market would be stellar. There have been dozens of times when I wanted to express my sympathy to my friends when they have an awful boyfriend. «I'm sorry your boyfriend's a bastard/ Who spent your anniversary getting plastered/ He hits on your friends and can't get a job/ He spends all your money and looks like a slob/ Your girlfriends all think he's kind of a creeper/ So just let us know when you're ready for a keeper!»

PMS is another dreaded event that deserves its own Hallmark category. Actually, there are some cards that finally «celebrate» this awful time of the month, but there aren't nearly enough. I don't know a single girl, including myself, who wouldn't get her spirits lifted by a «Just Because It's PMS» kind of card. «Things like chocolate, hot baths, and Midol/ Help make this time of month less hard/ But I'm saving all of that for my own PMS/ So all I got you is this lousy card.»

Of all the silly Hallmark cards that by all rights should exist, you could get really snarky about this one. Mind you, I say that as someone who constantly competes with the Better Half to be mayor of the house. But when people constantly share their mayoral statuses, doesn't it sometimes seem like they're asking for acknowledgment? «I saw that you'd been elected mayor/ And wanted to say congrats/ You put Mayor McCheese out of a job/ And proved you're the king of saturated fats!»

There are Hallmark cards for all kinds of occasions, some of them touching and some of them wonderfully silly. In a perfect world, however, you'd be able to send Hallmark cards for the mundane things, too, because while fun, these really are important issues – especially when they're happening to you! What kinds of Hallmark cards do you wish you could buy?

Top Image Source: weheartit.com